no #2

still a bunch of NO I’d picked out but hadn’t used and so set up on the press a few more and yes we have no bananas no-no double negative those questions always kinda confuse me do I say yes to mean yes or if I mean no? and this all started out from the loyalty questionnaire but now I’m not so sure what it’s about or where it’s going no no NO I feel like a small child That Phase learning the NO the asserting finding sense of self of control of making decisions did I go through that when I was *supposed to not too late to ask my parents NO boundaries there’s that too should be easy simple you think there’s going to be a Line not to cross but then you get there it isn’t or maybe because it’s already crossed and or is it eyes crossed and tease dotted and am I just repeating myself with the wood type and the proof press and now the transparency and ghosts and is that too obvious oblivious is it time to move on oh that was a different ink but hmn yes this one goes OK with that and some from before I print on and some I don’t and then some new sheets and yes another stack of pages what will I do with them it always amazes me how different the ink looks on different color papers and what is it that I’m looking for I think I see things along the way maybe I’m fooling myself about that finding things learning things it’s not a waste of time if you learned something he says I thought you meant no not now not no not ever but it only comes up after we’re already having problems so I don’t think it’s really That Important, just another way to make me feel bad thank God big G small g whatever who(m)ever that I was able to hang on to that No otherwise I’d probably still be there but you just never know you (k)no(w)

and the next day there it is again, the no of resistance, but in a different context, for someone with a terminal disease diagnosis, “…as a retired grief therapist I knew not to spend more than a few minutes with “No!” In that regard, as in many others, Buddhists have it exactly right: Getting enmeshed in a resisting “no” and in the unanswerable “why me?” is a recipe for self-inflicted suffering. I knew to focus instead on “what now”?”

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